The Adam and Joe Archive - Adam and Joe - XFM

Dirty Pretty Things there with Bang Bang You're Dead.

Before that you heard the Fratellis.

They're so hot right now with Chelsea Dagger.

It's a song so amazingly enjoyable and good that you think they couldn't possibly be good like that for the rest of their career, could they?

That was Joe Cornish.

This is Adam Buxton.

Joe's very excited.

Was that a grunt of extreme pleasure?

No.

It's just a grump.

A grump?

A grunt of waking up.

Hello, listeners.

Listen, there's something extraordinary happening in the next door studio.

Like, genuinely.

I don't know whether Marshall's already told people who've been listening, but one of the modern masters of modern music is in there.

The frightening thing is, though, I think we might be being heard all around the studio.

It's possible.

So can they hear us?

I don't think so, because they're doing a session in there.

You've got to tell people who it is.

Duncan from Blue.

Right, Duncan from Blue is in the next door studio.

Yeah.

And he's the sexy one in case you don't know about Blue.

He's looking very sort of mean.

He's dressed head to foot in black.

In black?

Yeah, black jeans, a black shirt, open to between the nip nips.

And he's got, he's just very sexy, he's slightly stubbly.

And he's got blonde highlights in his hair and he's got... I've been watching him sing.

Right.

And when you can't actually hear the noise, which obviously is beautiful, it's amazing just to see what he does with his hands.

Emoting, clasping his heart.

No.

Yeah, pointing.

Just on a session.

You know how boy band singers look bashful and look down and look up again?

Yeah, yeah.

He's been doing that even on a session.

That's extraordinary.

And he's in there with a, with a really cool-looking, uh, could I say posse?

You could say posse.

Uh, and, uh, they've got acoustic guitars.

Yeah.

You know, so it's real, this is from the heart, what they're doing.

And when he finished doing that, that song, he gave the mixer two thumbs up.

Yeah.

and slapped everyone on the shoulder.

Double thumbs.

We might be watching a slice of music history.

Yeah.

From the next room.

Because we've got a, you know, a great big window through to the session room from our studio.

It's extraordinary.

I know.

In the future when someone writes Duncan from Blue's biography, right, they might interview us about what we saw.

Exactly.

Yeah, it's like watching Marvin Gaye or Kurt Cobain.

Yeah, or the Cheeky Girls.

A couple of differences.

Or Las Ketchup.

It's like watching Las Ketchup.

You know.

Oh, it's too exciting.

So listen, we're going to watch a bit more listeners and bring you the latest Duncan from Blue News because we know XFM listeners are crazy about blue and, you know, really need to know what exactly what Duncan's up to.

And we'll tell you more about what you can expect from this week's show after this one from McAlmont and Butler.

Come on, keep moving.

Keep moving along.

Nothing to see here.

Keep moving.

Come on.

It's a Rush Hour song.

So I've heard some of Duncan's lyrics.

I went next door and pushed open the door.

If you've just tuned in, Duncan from Blue is doing a session next door to us.

It's incredibly exciting.

Are you sure he can't hear what we're saying?

Because he might just come in and lamp us.

I just stepped outside and checked that the radios are off.

Okay.

He, Duncan, he wouldn't lamp us.

Are you sure?

Yeah, Duncan understands that if you're in a room next door to us, we can't, we cannot,

resist taking the mickey yeah it's scientifically impossible not to he's rhymed street with feet that's fair enough he's rhymed park with spark i like that yeah and he's rhymed terrapin with leadening has he yeah he's likes his parrot at the end he is it goes a bit weird at the end of his song you that the terrapin thing isn't real that's not true no actually duncan's left and now his session musicians are all sitting around probably struggling to

make something out of what he sung.

To deal with what?

To deal with, he just probably came in and just went, stupid dude, I love you.

Just improvised some stuff.

I'm in the park, our love is a spark.

Alright, that's it.

Do what you can with it.

I'll see you next week.

Bye.

Oh, God.

Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

In the book!

That's how they all sound, don't they?

That's the hit formula.

Who's the other one that's successful from Blue?

You know what, you're talking to the wrong man for Blue Facts.

The black guy, what's he called?

Oh, man.

Lee.

No.

Lee's the one with the high voice.

Impo?

I don't know, I thought they'd all been put down by the government.

But no.

I mean, just insulted by a politician.

So this week, listeners, what an exciting show we have for you.

Yes.

Because not only do we have another round of our new competition, Rock and Real or Rock and Rubs, which I think we'll play later on this hour.

It was a smash last week.

Absolute smash.

I've been reading letters all this week from people.

Yeah, you were being stopped in the street, weren't you?

I was being stopped in the street.

By crowds chanting, Rock and Rubs!

Rock and Real!

Yeah.

Is that true?

That is true.

A couple of bands opened up their set with a version of the song.

People have gone crazy.

There's t-shirts already.

T-shirts.

Internet phenomena.

It's the most successful local radio competition.

With 5 million hits a day the website's getting.

5 million hits.

Our podcast shot straight to number one for an hour and then it went back down again to twelve.

But for that moment it was an absolute sensation.

Anyway, we're going to be playing that competition.

Just a reminder that all you have to do is guess which bands are real and which ones are rubs out of a list of ten.

We'll do that in about twenty minutes.

Yeah, the phone number 0871-222-1049, 0871-222-1049 for any competition entries.

You can text us on 83XFM.

And as prizes, we've got Tartan Asia Extreme Horror Movies.

There's one with a man with a sort of, uh, I don't know, a bumpy face.

It's not called Bumpy Face Man, but it should be.

It's called Premonition.

Bumpy Face Man.

And there's another one called Another Public Enemy, with a couple of sexy, stylish Korean gentlemen on the front.

Premonition, he's just got a piece of paper and wet it and scrunched it onto his head.

He's got Dad Toilet Roll on his face.

Yeah, why doesn't he just wipe it off?

That would solve the problem.

Plus we've got Nighty Night Series 2.

Hey, that's a good price.

Is that the good series, though?

Uh, they're both good, they're all good.

No, no, no, they're all good.

How many series are there?

Well, there's only two so far.

Two, yeah.

I think, I don't know if she's doing a third.

But series two was fairly extreme.

That was the one that really set.

Yeah, it was quite hardcore.

Yeah.

So good prizes, plus tickets to see Placebo on the 9th of December, that's a good prize.

One pair of tickets to see Placebo, very in-demand tickets, and a pair of tickets to see DJ Shadow at the Brixton Academy.

DJ Shadow!

You can't see me because I'm a shadow!

That's what he's like.

There he is.

DJ Shadow, next I'm going to play something that you can't even hear, cos it's just an echo, an echo, an echo.

Ah, it doesn't sound like a very good gig.

It's not a very good gig the way I'm doing it, but he does it much better.

Uh, also, I'm going to be reviewing something I haven't seen yet.

That's an old feature we used to do years ago.

Right.

That I'm bringing back.

Um, might do that fairly shortly.

Review for something I haven't seen yet.

And, uh, also I'm gonna be

I'm going to be unveiling a phone call that I made to McVitie's, to the Jaffa Cake people.

Oh, this is exciting stuff, yeah.

Because Joe and I are, would you say obsessed?

Not obsessed.

We're obsessed with Jaffa's cakes and we're obsessed with the fact that Jaffa cakes say on the side that they're recommended by sports nutritionists.

If you're in the shops today, check out Jaffa cakes, there's a panel on the side that says recommended by sports nutritionists.

Not only that, but it says on the bottom of the packet, in fairly small writing, Jaffaholics Anonymous.

if you have a problem call in the strictest confidence this number and then it gives you a couple of numbers underneath and so i called the number and you'll hear what happened later on later it's exciting so stay tuned stay tuned absolutely here's a free play right now the first of our free plays this week uh this is ween this is from their album white pepper and it's called exactly where i'm at this is adam and joe on xfm stay tuned

That's Ween with exactly where I'm at.

This is Adam and Jo on XFM.

Now we want you to call now if you want to enter our competition Rock and Real or Rock and Rubs.

The number is 0871-222-1049.

0871-222-1049.

And if you perform sufficiently impressively in Rock and Real or Rock and Rubs, you could win like a prize, a free thing and we'd send it to you and you could watch it or sell it.

or just pop it in a bin.

Yeah, but don't be nervous about entering either.

It's a very easy competition.

All you've got to do is guess which emerging band names are real and which are rubs.

Simple as that.

0871-222-1049.

Couldn't be more simple.

Couldn't be as simple as what it is.

Okay, we'll be back after these.

XFM

It's all lies, Adam.

It's all lies.

But I don't understand.

Nice things are lies.

What?

If you see something nice, it's a lie.

Underneath, it is horrible.

But I thought she was having fun and everything was nice.

No, no, children are mugging old ladies.

What?

Crack hoers and their pimpies are selling their pits on the streets.

I didn't realise.

I thought everything was fine out there.

No, it's not.

It's horrible and the coppers have taken away her licence.

The filth even.

The filth.

The pigs.

So she's riding her bike.

She's riding her bike.

I wonder if she's riding it recklessly.

Probably.

I bet she is.

I bet it's one of those tiny bikes and she's just weaving in and out of the traffic without a helmet on.

A little chopper.

A tiny chopper.

She's got a little chopper.

And she's not stopping at the lights.

No.

She's just going out and she's not even, she's going the wrong way up one-way streets.

Up.

Up the chopper.

It's a shame.

Hey, this is Adam and Joel on XFM.

Good morning.

Good Saturday morning.

It's a bit too early, really.

If you're in bed, your brain's awake but your body's asleep, I'd go back to sleep.

I mean, it's a miserable day.

It's all grey and windy.

So, what?

Hello?

Yeah, you carry on.

I've got nothing else to say, I'm running out of words.

There's some sort of crisis in the studio.

I thought we were going to do the competition now, but we're not going to do it right now.

What?

We're going to do it after the next song.

Xanthi?

It's not Xanthi's fault.

It is, look at her.

She's got a nice pink top.

She has.

On, yeah.

That was really, that was one of the most sexist things I've ever said.

Wow.

So the competition is coming up, it's called Rock and Rubs, or Rock and Real, you have to guess what band names are real and what are rubs.

It's a good one.

It's fantastic, and it's relatively easy as well, so if you're lucky enough to get through, you're more or less guaranteed a prize.

Do we still need callers?

No, no, we've got, we've got, we just have to call someone back.

Yeah, but we just didn't call them back.

busy looking pretty that was a joke that time the first time I genuinely meant that she had it well I'm getting into terrible trouble here I'm gonna play some New York dolls

mock rock the new york dole's uh... i was not corrupt i'm joe guess what bob harris said about the new york dole's when they first appeared on the real test i saw a great film about uh... uh... one of the new york dole's killer kane arthur killer kane he was the bass player and it's an amazing story cuz it tracks the fact that i'm often you don't broke up

Arthur Killer Kane was very bitter about the fact that, you know, they broke up so quickly.

They were only together for a couple of years before they were ripped apart by the twin terrors of drink and drugs.

And, you know, David Johanson, the lead singer, went on to have much more success than poor old Arthur Killer Kane, who ended up working in a Mormon library.

in LA.

Anyway, this amazing documentary, which is called New York Doll, and I highly recommend it, charts the fact that he was pulled out of obscurity once again for one final gig with the New York Dolls at Morrissey's Meltdown, because Morrissey was like the biggest New York Dolls fan ever in the world.

And so this really sweet guy, Arthur Killer Kane, who's tortured

by bitterness and dreams of what could have been, gets to have his wish and go and play at the Royal Festival Hall, this amazing gig, which was brilliant, they played a blinder.

And then 22 days later, he died.

Went back to the States, was diagnosed with leukaemia, and two hours after he was diagnosed, he was dead.

It's such a sad, but strangely uplifting story.

And I really recommend the New York Doll.

Anyway, sorry about that little tangent.

Is everyone depressed now?

Shall we play a competition?

Okay, here we go.

Rockin' real or rockin' rubs?

Are the bands real or are they just rubbish?

Rockin' real or rockin' rubs?

Are they real or are they rubs?

Yes, it's time for the competition, Rock and Re- What's it called?

Rock and Real or Rock and Rub?

Yeah, yeah, it's a catchy title and we've got a contestant on the line.

What's the contestant's name, Xanthi?

Matthew.

Hello, Matthew.

Good morning, how are you?

I'm fine, thanks, Matthew.

How are you?

Um, yeah, alright, thanks.

More detail, mate, come on, more to chew on.

More detail?

Well, I'm sitting in a car on the A3 right now.

Right.

Where are you going?

Um, I'm going to a mate's house right now.

Why are you going to a mate's house in the morning?

Um, well, just for the hell of it, hey?

Really?

As good as I can, I think, yeah.

You've got kind of a freewheeling accent there.

You sound very rich.

Are you very, very rich, Matthew?

I wish I was, yeah.

What kind of a car are you driving?

Uh, BMW.

You see?

I knew it.

What do you do for a living?

Are you wearing salmon-pink corduroys?

Oh, no, no.

Wing and Shapiro.

Quirky pants, actually.

Are you friends with Duncan from Blue?

No, no.

Or Duncan Goodhue?

No, I promise you I'm not, eh.

And how's your rock knowledge?

Do you think you're going to be able to... Well, I consider myself to be a bit of a rockhead, eh, I think.

What's your... are you slightly South African?

I am, yeah.

Ah, there we go.

So you're not just slightly South African, you are South African.

Oh, kind of, yeah, probably.

Yeah, that's cool.

Well done.

Okay, are you ready for this competition then?

Yeah, I am.

Yes, I am, yeah.

So all you have to do, I'm going to read out ten names in the style of the shipping forecast.

Brilliant.

No reason for it being like the shipping forecast at all.

But I'm going to read out ten names, five of them are real band names picked from the gig section of the NME from the last couple of weeks, and the other five are rubbish.

So all you have to do after each name is say the word real or rubs, depending on whether you think they are real or rubbish.

Have I explained that sufficiently well?

No, you've explained that a hundred percent.

Hey, Matthew, what's your target score?

What are you looking to score?

I get ten out of ten, eh?

You're going to get ten out of ten?

I want to get ten out of ten.

Well, I'll tell you, if you get over seven out of ten, then you're eligible for a prize.

Oh, OK.

Is that how it goes down?

I've decided that's how it goes down.

That's Ruth Maddox.

That's really nice of you, thanks.

Yeah, there's no Ruths here.

OK, are you ready to play rock and roll?

I am, I am.

Here we go.

Yeah, I'm ready.

Number one.

Oh no, not him.

No, I say rubs.

He says rubs.

Yeah.

Number two.

Fury of the Headteachers.

Yeah, rock.

I'd say that's real.

Number three.

Vault the Atomizer.

Um, rubs.

Number four.

The Mulattoes.

Yeah, rock.

Real.

Number 5.

The United Kingdom of America.

That scrambled everyone's brains.

The United Kingdom of America.

That's right.

Number 6.

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you bury it close to me?

Right.

Number 7.

Lady Fuzz.

Right.

Number 8.

Filthy Pedro and Thee Intolerable Kid.

Yeah, I'd say that's real.

Number nine.

Memorex Harrison.

What?

Rhymes, doesn't it?

Number ten.

Heckate Enthroned.

Ooh.

Okay, real.

There you go.

That concludes Rock'n'Reel or Rock'n'Road.

I can tell you there that you scored... seven out of ten.

Congratulations.

Are you gonna tell him which ones he got right or wrong, or is someone else gonna play later and try and beat that score?

I think someone else should play later.

I'm just talking to Adam, Matthew, sorry.

But yeah, because we might run out of stuff to do in the last hour.

Well, I've got a different one, you see.

I've got a whole new one as well.

Oh, blooming hedge.

I think we should tell him, because otherwise people will just forget.

Okay, we're going to put you out of your misery, Matthew.

Okay.

Uh, so, Oh No, Not Him, you thought that was rubs.

That's a real band.

Okay.

Oh No, Not Him, Fury of the Headteachers, they're real.

Vaults, The Atomizer, rubbish.

The Mulattoes, you thought they were real, that's rubs.

You see, I'm surprised that's rubs.

You know, sooner or later... I bet you there is a band called The Mulattoes.

I searched for them, they weren't there.

Number five, the United Kingdom of America.

Deal with that, Tony B. Lyer and George Bush.

That's a real band.

You thought that was rubs.

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you bury it close to me?

You correctly identified that as rubs.

Lady Fuzz, they're real.

Filthy Pedro and the Intolerable Kid.

The, spelt T-H-E-E.

They're real.

Memorex Harrison, they're not real.

Hecate Enthroned, they're real.

All of which you guessed.

So congratulations, Matthew.

You are a prize winner.

Which prize would you like, Joe?

What's it got?

I'd love the GTA Shadow tickets, sir.

Oh yeah, good one.

There you go, he knew exactly what he wanted.

He's actually been listening.

Yeah.

There you go, a pair of tickets to see DJ Shadow on the 15th of December at the Carling Academy, Brixton.

Can you make that date, Matthew?

I must, definitely.

In your BMW.

With your, no doubt.

About the BMW.

Yeah.

So, Matthew, thank you so much for calling in.

You were fantastic.

Have a great weekend.

Thank you, mate.

We'll be back shortly.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, that was Valerie by the Zootons.

That's the second single from the Liverpool Quintet's second album, Tired of Hanging Around.

This is Adam and Joe on XFM London's 104.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

That's a little jingle.

OK, now I'm going to do a review for something I haven't seen yet.

Terrific.

Is it going to be a film or a concert or something else?

It's going to be a film.

A film?

Yeah.

It's going to be a review for the film Through a Scanner Darkly.

Right.

It's just called A Scanner Darkly, I think, the film is, isn't it?

I wouldn't know.

I haven't seen it.

Well, fair enough.

Is it called A Scanner Darkly?

Yeah.

OK, there you go.

A Scanner Darkly.

And it's directed by Richard Linklater.

Linklater, Linklater.

And it's all got cartooning on the top.

A while ago I saw a very brief mention of this film in a paper, but since then the only research I've done is looking at the poster.

Well, you're in a perfect position to give it a thorough review.

Yeah, here we go.

Apparently, Through a Scanner Darkly is, sorry, A Scanner Darkly is a sci-fi fantasy set in a dystopian future, where the boundaries between fantasy and reality have become blurred by weird drugs given to people by the government, or something like that.

He's got his pieces of paper confused.

That was going so professionally.

To be honest, listeners, I was a bit intimidated by the speed and confidence with which Adam launched into that sketch-style review.

But now the whole thing's gone tits up and he looks like a complete arsewipe because he's lost his pieces of paper.

I can tell you, I, the one who hasn't done any work and hasn't prepared anything, am looking pretty good.

Having done nothing and Adam having made some work but now getting all confused is looking like a knobber.

Do you know what happened?

What?

I didn't print out the final page.

Brilliant.

You are delighted, aren't you?

I'm so delighted.

You are delighted.

It serves you right for doing some work.

Serves you right for caring.

You know?

So there we go, well done.

And next week, I can't even do it next week because it'll be so pathetic that I've brought it in again.

No, it won't.

Everyone will have forgotten.

Really?

Well done, man.

You know, I'm sure it would have been really funny.

Can you remember anything of it?

I could probably paraphrase it, but I took ages to write it.

I bet you did.

Oh, but it's the thought that counts.

And that's all we can cling on to.

Well, listen, I've prepared more stuff that I actually did bring with me, including my call to McVitie's about Jaffa Cakes.

That's coming up in the next hour here on the Adam and Jo radio show.

Yeah, I've prepared some stuff as well, listeners.

I left it at home as well.

I forgot to print it.

The cat ate it.

Also, I want to talk about security measures.

Okay.

New security measures.

Well, I'd get rid of that jazz music in the background because security measures are nothing to do with a jazz attitude.

In fact, I'd say they're the opposite to jazz.

No, this is security jazz.

Is it security jazz?

Very uptight jazz.

Yeah, it's absolutely fine.

Very thoroughly screened jazz.

I just, you know, with all the misery that's been going on this week at the airports and stuff and the high terror alert and everything, I was thinking of some new security measures that maybe they could implement.

Anyway, we'll talk about all that in the second hour here on XFM, but before that we have adverts and of course the news.

We'll be back very soon.

XFM.

Crikey, that nice harmonious note at the end only just compensates for the rock washing machine that was the rest of that track.

That's a smash.

The View from the Afternoon, that's the Arctic Monkeys and that's the fourth single to be taken from the Sheffield.

They could release every single one of those songs because they're all amazing on that album and I would imagine that they intend to do so as well.

This is Adam and Joe on XFM.

Now, of course,

Unless you were living under a rock this week, you would have been aware of the fact that we are now... Are we currently at the critical threat alert level?

Yeah.

Britain is at the critical threat alert level.

So there are five... Could you name the five alert levels, Joe?

Yeah.

Level, uh... Does it go 1 to 5 or 5 to 1?

Is 1 the most or least threatening?

What order do you want?

I would say 1 is the least threatening.

Okay.

Level 1 is Saal Kool.

It's just S apostrophe A double L K O double L. Thal cool.

Yeah.

Just means everything's cool.

It's all cool.

Okay.

Said in a Rastafarian accent.

Yeah.

Thal cool is number one.

Number two is what?

It's just W-H-A-T with a question mark.

What?

It's like something might be going down in the peripheral vision.

What?

And then in brackets, easy man.

Because it's alright.

It was nothing serious.

Number three is... is... GET OFF ME!

Yeah.

These are the Rastafarians.

State of alert.

Get off me.

Someone's approaching and like... Maybe it's... Don't mess with me.

This is turning into sort of a Jim Davidson sketch from the mid-70s.

Number four is just stop it.

I think generally stop it at number four.

Everyone has to stop everything.

I've dropped the rasta thing and it's getting a bit worrying.

We go back to it for number five which is critical.

Critical!

And we are currently at critical.

You see, I came up with some new ones as well.

They're not quite as good as your ones.

Well, how could they be?

My one, lowest threat level, number one, is just scary.

Right.

And that's people on TV, basically.

And this is what happens, because the real ones, let me tell you, are low.

an attack is unlikely.

Moderate, an attack is possible but not likely.

Substantial, an attack is a strong possibility.

Severe, an attack is highly likely.

And critical, an attack is expected immediately.

So my ones are... So that's what we're at, an attack is expected immediately.

Yeah, yeah, that's not good, is it?

That's why we're trying to cheer people up here.

Anyway, but listen, this is, you know, we don't want to mess with anything serious here, do we?

Do we?

Yes.

Yes, absolutely.

So my ones are scary.

This is the lowest level.

Right.

Sure these aren't just the Spice Girls?

They were invented by the Spice Girls.

Right.

I had some help from Gerry Halliwell with these.

Lowest level, scary.

People on TV are saying it's only a matter of time before there's another attack.

Poo pants.

Level 2.

People on TV have said that the attack will probably be in a few weeks.

Oh Jesus.

That's level 3.

Channel 4 launches a season of documentaries about all the various ways that we're about to be attacked and how underprepared we are for it.

Level 4.

Stuffed.

Channel 4 has to pull the documentary season because an attack is so likely it can no longer be treated as entertainment.

And number five, Armageddon.

Channel 4 runs Armageddon, starring Bruce Willis.

Why would they do that?

Round the clock, to take the minds of the population off the attacks.

Right, right.

Or to blur the lines between entertainment and true terror.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

I think they should just arrange the Spice Girls in ascending order of panic.

So it would be baby, would be like a baby spice alert, would be everything's fine, it's quite innocuous.

Then you'd have sporty, which is, you know, get physically prepared.

Cos something might be going down, so get fit.

Then at number three it would be, uh, ginger.

Which is just unnerving.

Well it's amber, isn't it?

You're almost- Yeah, amber alert, exactly.

Alternatively known as strawberry blonde.

at number four would be posh, because that would just mean get yourself posh, get posh, get organised, get, you know.

Yeah, get in the bunker.

Get in the bunker, get in the posh bunker, and of course number five would be scary.

Yeah, very good.

Yeah.

So those are our new, um, terror threat alerts.

Were you going to talk about, like, ways to make flying more secure?

Is that what you were going to talk about?

Yeah, I've got some new measures, but I'd like to talk about those a bit later.

Because it crossed my mind that, uh, nude flying would be the key.

That was one of my measures.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Nudist clubs.

Well, maybe people can text in as well.

It should be said, of course, that we have nothing but respect and admiration for the security services and the way that they're protecting us.

But these are just ideas for extra things they could be doing to make us even safer, if such a thing is possible.

If you've got any ideas for how to make us absolutely 100% safe, then give us a call or text us.

In fact, text is probably the best way.

And what's the text again?

83XFM.

And is this specifically, this is specifically in the air?

Uh, yeah, I guess, let's limit it to the airports now, things you can do at the airports.

For example, I was thinking, um, that you could have Derren Brown would be in the gate, and he would hypnotize you, and then he would ask you if you're carrying any weapons or explosives.

Well, he'd be able to tell which hand they were in.

Exactly.

If you had one.

Yeah.

He'd be able to do that on 300 people in succession without getting it wrong once.

Exactly, there'd be no hiding the explosives.

He would find them.

There's only one of him, though.

I know, there would be terrible cues.

Well, he could be, maybe, on BA.

Transatlantic.

He's the most vulnerable.

Okay, who would you get for the other airlines?

Uh, that bloke, Street Magic Man.

You know, the low-rent one on ITV.

I know the guy you mean.

What's he called?

I can't remember his name.

The WizBot.

And then in America, you could, of course, have David Blaine.

Yeah.

Suspended in some kind of tank.

checking for uh... checking for terrorists he doesn't have any weapons he doesn't have any bombs no he doesn't have any either that's how he would say it so anyway there's there's there's one idea for you if you've got any others just to get the ball rolling to get the ball rolling yeah texas eight three xfm immediately let's have some music there'll be a prize for the best ones absolutely uh... and uh... this is justice versus simian joseph's your favorite track i like this i love this

Yeah, that's The Rapture with Get Myself Into It.

Uh, if you want to help him get into it, because he wants you to help him do it, and it really is the chance of a lifetime for him, then simply get in touch with The Rapture at 28 Rapture Street, London, S-E... I don't know.

Before that, you heard, uh, We Are Your Friends, Justice vs. Simeon.

This is Adam and Joe, uh,

on XFM.

Yep.

This morning, whilst not making light of the extraordinary and important job that British security services are doing at our airports to keep us all safe, we're also suggesting stupid security measures.

Not stupid even, maybe sensible ones.

Some of these are very sensible.

Radical moves.

Extra precautions they could take to keep us all safe.

You were mentioning earlier on the idea of just making passengers be nude.

Yeah, it was very popular in the 70s, nudism, before everybody got all afraid of each other's bits and bobs.

But it's time to bring it back with naked flying.

I thought maybe the airlines could introduce little panties.

with the BA logo on them or Virgin.

The Virgin would have something written on them like, ooh, sexy.

Yeah, you could make it out of the same fabric that they put the flaps on the headrests, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, they wouldn't be pants that you could wear the next day.

They'd just start disintegrating after 11 or 12 hours.

Which would be an extra bonus.

But imagine how sexy the flight would be.

Well, exactly.

You know, now that they've banned carry-on luggage,

for the foreseeable future.

You know, that would be a good name for a carry-on film set during this crisis.

Carry-on luggage.

And the thing that, you know, if the passengers were forced to be nude, that would be ideal.

Barbara Windsor with little sort of... Nipple tassels.

Nipple tassels.

Yeah.

So they could check she wasn't hiding bombs in her boobs.

Yeah.

Well, you see, that would be the next step, though, of course.

If you had fake breasts, they'd have to somehow check what was in there.

Because they'd have one chemical in the right breast, another chemical in the left breast.

Right.

And then boing them together in the loo.

Jordan's not going to be going anywhere for a while.

No.

So listen, here are some of the texts that have come in.

This idea is from Tim in a car.

He said, from Tim in a car, and to me that gives him extra authority.

Is a car somewhere in the Middle East?

Maybe, yeah, maybe he's in the Middle East.

Here is my idea, says Tim.

Put all the baggage on one plane and all the passengers on another.

Then get a pilot who's a bit depressed to fly the plane with the bags on so he won't be too bothered if it comes a cropper.

That's a very good idea.

Separate planes for bags.

Yeah, but you'd still scan the bags in the bag plane.

Yeah, of course.

No, you're not gonna wantonly just... Yeah.

But this is the... if you were a conspiracy theorist, you might think that they were just trying to make more money off fizzy drinks.

Mm-hmm.

You know, and off their teleservices.

Yeah, exactly.

The next thing is they'll start charging for films.

Won't they?

They won't let you bring anything on board, then they'll start charging to see Firewall.

Well, they used to charge for headphones, do you remember?

They did, didn't they?

They might still do that on certain flights.

They do on non-transatlantic flights, yeah.

But that's a good idea, Tim.

Everyone should learn to fly their own mini-planes whilst being very wary of giving lifts to strangers with unusually bulky clothing, says Andrew Cotillet in Little Venice.

That's a very good point, Andrew, very pragmatic.

Jason says, how about we stop bombing other countries to secure America's future fuel supplies?

Well, we can't read that one out, unfortunately, because it has a political bias on it.

We can't, so we won't read that one out.

No.

But it's a fair point.

It's a fair point, though, Jason.

I'm just filtering the texts for obscenities.

Non-broadcastable ones.

An insane political bend.

Okay, freeze everybody boarding a plane.

That comes from aid.

So all liquid explosives would be inert.

and you'd have the nice added advantage of having had a good rest.

But I agree, some sort of drug, I mean a knockout drug, or some kind of sleep capsule, you know?

I've always wondered why they don't have, you know Japanese capsule hotels, where you sleep in a tube?

Why not just stack tubes in a honeycomb, in a plane generally, have a little parachute packed into each one?

So if there's an accident, they all just break out.

Like little capsules little capsule and they all just float to the sea.

So you're responsible for your own capsule.

There's a telly in there Yeah, there's warm bedding.

There's a little air supply You'd be fine.

Even if you sunk to the bottom of the sea you'd be fine for several days and there'd be a thinker

that would alert the security people to where you are.

So the whole idea of living in communal society slightly goes out the window.

Well, when you're on a plane, you don't want to know about other people either.

But that's the price you pay for security, isn't it, sometimes?

Yeah.

And the other thing I was thinking you could do is you could have those voice analysis experts chat to everybody who goes through the gates.

Also, that would take a very, very long time and cause massive chaos and delays in the airports.

But you would

You know, they'd analyze your voice to see if you were lying, um, they'd maybe make a program about it, um, for daytime TV, and then they'd get the results back a few weeks later.

What about, um, what about total recall technology?

Yeah.

That's, that x-ray machine out of the film Total Recall.

A full body x-ray as you walk past.

That's the way to go, isn't it?

Yeah, but that didn't help, um, sort, you know, they didn't screen out the... In Total Recall.

Yeah, the lady who comes through... It was Arnold, wasn't it?

Arnold came through with the bombhead.

Do you remember?

Yeah.

It's true.

How about a magnetised floor on planes?

This is from Tom.

If it's being hijacked, the pilot pushes a button...

Pushes a violet button.

He specified the color of the button.

And the hijacker's nail scissors fly to the floor.

Well, tell me living in the past.

Nail scissors are no longer a threat.

They're not allowed on anyway.

No, exactly.

You have to pop those in the bin.

With all the other goodies.

You know what?

I might have to vet the other texts before I read them.

In case, because of course on the radio you have to be balanced.

Exactly.

We don't want to express any kind of political bias.

Keep your ideas coming in.

We'd be in trouble.

8-3-X-F-M is the text number, and we'll give a prize to the best, uh, way to, you know, get everyone back in the air safely again.

Now, uh, we still have my- Xanth is looking a bit- he's looking a bit worried about this whole thing.

It's okay, we'll get shouted at this week by, uh, Head of X-F-M.

No, we're not, um...

Oh shit.

Anything bad we're not doing.

We're not doing it.

It's good.

Just if you're worried, don't worry, it's fine.

It's fine.

We're like, you know, yeah.

It's all fine.

So Joe, do you want to introduce this next free play?

This is a bizarre version.

Yeah, this is weird.

No one's going to like this, but you've got to hear it.

It's by a Norwegian band and it's a cover of Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart listeners.

And the important thing to know is that the percussionist is playing the rhythm on old domestic appliances.

So it's kind of art rock.

Do you know what they're called, the band?

Yeah, they're called Hurrah Tornado.

And if you check out the video on the internet, he's doing it live.

He's just smashing washing machines up to provide the beat.

But for me, this brings out more of the emotion than Bonnie Tyler did of this song, which is about sort of being, feeling middle-aged and trapped in a sort of boring domestic existence.

You know?

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, a little bit worried that the best of all the years has gone by.

Yeah.

And here is that song, Brought to New Life, by this Norwegian band.

Hit it!

Turn around Every now and then I feel a little bit lonely And you're never coming round Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit tired Of listening to the sound of my tears Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit nervous That's the best of all the years have gone by Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit terrified But then I see the look in your eye Your bright eye Every now and then I fall apart

Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll always be making it right Cause we'll never be wrong And together we can take it to the end of the line My love is like a shadow on the roll of the night

Once upon a time I was falling in love But now I'm only falling apart Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart

Why did you stop it?

I haven't stopped it yet.

It's about to get good.

He's about to take it out on a dishwasher.

Gotta get us a bike, boys.

It's like the Muppets.

It is, isn't it?

If they brought back the Muppets show, this is the kind of stuff they could have on it.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Don't you think that's beautiful?

Joe, I thought it was smashing.

It's a bit like the Flaming Lips or something in there as well.

Yeah, that's good.

I like that.

That's Hurrah Tornado.

They're Norwegian.

I think they're called... No, Torpedo.

Not Tornado.

Hurrah Torpedo.

Something like that.

Yeah.

You won't find that on John Kennedy's show, will you?

This is Adam and Joe on XFM.

We'll be back shortly.

XFM.

That's fantastic, I love that song.

In the Morning, The Coral, this is Adam and Joe, here on XFM.

It is the morning, isn't it?

It's still technically the morning, yes, it is.

You've got 23 more minutes left of the morning.

What a rubbish morning it is.

Rotten morning.

I had to wear my jeans today.

I thought I had a couple more months of short-wearing to do.

Good news though, my cat, Macy, came in for the first time in...

six months came in from the cold what she's been sleeping outside the whole time she's been she just comes in to be fed in a very arrogant manner yeah not doing her job it's what kind of hurry not approaching not going on the knee nothing just feed me I'm back out feed me I'm back out that's what it's been like for the whole summer that's what it's like having children then to this morning it's rainy she decides to come in and curl up on the sofa mm-hmm which is very good news I gave her a little tickle on the tummy and a stroke and she purred and

It's just like the old days.

Oh, you reunited with your long lost prodigal cat.

That's nice, man.

Yeah.

But what happened to the heatwave?

It wasn't really a heatwave so much as a heat ripple, really.

I could have handled a bit more of that.

You know, everyone's saying, oh, it's a disaster.

Britain's just dying in the heatwave.

It'll come back, man.

It had better come back for next week.

I'm going to the Green Man Festival in Wales.

Oh, really?

And if it's all rainy, then I'm going to complain.

Yeah.

So it'll be- it's gonna come back next weekend, I'm confident.

You reckon?

Bang!

Tropical.

Do we know what the forecast is?

Forecast?

The forecast?

Jamie Foxx.

What are you talking about?

Jamie Foxx's song, Forecast.

Forecast?

Yeah, never mind.

Just- About someone who gets a fork stuck in their bottom.

So should we do more security texts?

Yeah, let's polish that off, why not?

I'm getting a bit worried.

So here's another good one.

Uh, here is it, where is it?

Hang on.

Phil, Adam, Phil.

Oh, Phil, sorry, I thought you were saying you had one from Phil.

Phil, Adam, Phil, a lot of texts from people called Phil.

This is me Phil-ing.

This is quite good, isn't it?

This is why we're going to get a Sony award.

Hey, incidentally, Adam and Joe news, I probably shouldn't mention this, but

We're on Bravo at the moment.

The first series of our show Shock Video is being repeated on Bravo, as I've discovered.

I stumbled across it last night.

I think it's on about 11 o'clock, pretty much every weeknight.

And I hesitate to mention it because it's a total disgrace.

It's absolutely awful.

And, uh, it's a disaster area.

Basically, it's me and Joe kind of talking over clips from softcore porn shows.

Don't watch it.

What we're saying is don't watch it.

Don't watch it.

Don't switch on Bravo.

But if there's any way that you can figure out, like, whether they've started running Series 2, then hang in for that.

Because Series 2, it suddenly turns round, and we sort of get what the whole thing's about, and it becomes brilliant.

Okay, that's enough filling.

Yeah.

Compulsory straitjackets.

on board the plane.

Right.

Yeah, or on board petting zoos, where a nation of animal lovers, no bad things would happen if everybody had a little pet to pet.

Do you think that's a good idea?

Well, the terrorisers, they don't have any respect for pets.

They'd probably stick a bomb right in a gerbil or something.

That's from Sean Bark.

in Birchington.

I'm trying to find the one.

Someone suggested sleeping gas.

So you get on the plane, you get comfortable, and then the hostess says, ladies and gentlemen, we hope you're feeling relaxed.

Secure your tray table in the seat in front and put your seat in the recline position and breathe deeply because we're now administering sleeping gas into the passenger compartment.

We will wake, we will revive you 45 minutes before landing in accordance with, uh, regulations.

Everyone falls unconscious.

But you see, the problem is that the Rotties would have some special thing.

They'd stick something up their nose.

Nose plugs.

Nose plugs, you know.

They'd have a little, uh, breathing canister or something, and they'd pretend to be asleep, and then they'd pop up halfway through the flight.

First, they'd nick everyone's wallets.

Yeah.

And then they'd wreak their sort of... Havoc.

Peculiar brand of havoc.

here's one from Kath in Cardiff she says helium it would help the plane to float which is always good but everyone will be so busy making funny voices they'll forget to do anything bad.

They'll all just be giggling.

Yeah giggling but that if something bad did happen that would make it even more terrifying like some kind of a mass murder in a funfair.

Insane giggling.

Exactly.

So listen should we give a prize to one of these people?

I don't know whether any any of them deserve prizes.

They all deserve prizes it's a question of

which one we actually choose random.

Let's just choose one at random.

Really?

I think I have to, I'm gonna have to play another song and come back to it.

What about Sleeping Gas Guy?

Yeah, I can't, oh yeah, here we go.

Who's that?

That's Joe in Kingston.

Yeah, Joe in Kingston, you've won.

Well done.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much for texting everybody who texted me.

You know, the other solution to this whole problem is just don't fly.

Because let's face it, it's massively environmentally pollutive.

It's extraordinarily high levels of consumption of fossil fuels.

It's bloody noisy over me and Adam's houses.

Like one plane every two minutes.

London skies are teeming with aeroplanes.

Well, the skies of the world are teeming with everything.

No, most cities don't allow planes to fly over them.

Really?

London does, yeah.

London's got more planes above it than any other city, I'm pretty convinced.

It's noisy, it's uncomfortable, it's boring, and if we all went on holiday in England, which we can do now that we've got tropical summers, then it's good for the national economy and everybody's happy.

So just stop flying.

That's true.

That's what Joe Cornish says.

Well, you know what?

Flying's rubbish, it's horrible.

It's like torture.

Certainly, if you can avoid it.

Yeah, exactly, I mean... Just pack it in, give it up.

Door to door, if you go like, because I went to France recently, I flew out there, I had to fly with the family, but then on the way back, I came back for the show and went on the train, and door to door it's the same length of journey, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like six hours.

Right, exactly, on the train, take the trains, trains are lovely.

Alternatively, what about this?

Massive water skiing pyramids.

Same number of people as in a plane, all on water skis, being dragged behind one boat.

Would you dress them as nuns?

Yes.

That's a good idea.

And you water ski to America.

That's a really good idea.

Hey folks, don't forget that...

The X-List is coming up in the final hour.

We're only giving you 15 minutes notice this week, but that's enough time.

You can get your requests in for classic X-List tracks, you know, indie smashes, that kind of thing, from the XFM vaults, and you can dedicate them to whoever you want.

It's a chance for us to connect and say thank you in a way to all the people that listen to the show.

We might ring you up for a chat.

It's all going to be very friendly.

And of course, I've still got my call to McVitie's about the Jaffa Cakes to play you guys.

That's all coming up here on XFM.

But now it's time for more music and this is The Killers.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

No, I'm not going to lie with you.

What I'd do is, if I was singing it, I'd go right at the end, just forget the world.

And break down like Michael Jackson.

Yeah, like that.

Yeah, you'd sell a lot more records.

Was that Snow Patrol?

That was the delightful sound of Snow Patrol.

Yeah, well done, Snow Patrol.

With Chasing Cars.

So listen, you're a big fan of Paris Hilton, right, Adam?

I love Paris Hilton.

She's amusing and very attractive.

Yeah, well there's an interview with her in GQ and listeners, you might be interested in this, it's Piers Morgan interviewing her, right?

He does quite good interviews in GQ.

So they're talking about whether she would call herself a celebrity and Paris Hilton is denying, she doesn't like the word celebrity.

Piers Morgan says, yeah but you dance on tables in nightclubs.

Paris Hilton says, no I don't dance on tables.

Morgan says, yes you do, I've seen you.

Hilton says, no, I dance on the banquettes, just below the tables, because I don't want to be on the dance floor with everyone sweating on me.

It's gross.

Morgan says, I thought the whole point of clubbing was to get horribly sweaty.

Hilton says, no, I hate sweat.

It grosses me out.

Morgan says, a lot of American women seem to have that issue.

Why?

Hilton, I don't want to talk about it while I eat.

Sweat really grosses me out.

That's one of the things that's really cool about her.

She's repulsed by anything sort of human.

She wants everybody to be as perfect as her.

She hates sweat, the idea of sweat.

Man, if she hates sweat that much, she must get very upset when it's time to go to the lavvy.

What?

Why?

Just because, can you imagine?

You know, she'd be weeping.

Oh, because she'd hate her body for doing these disgusting things.

Exactly.

What about when she makes sweet love to people?

Does she not work up a sweat?

She doesn't make sweet love very often.

I tend to get very sweaty.

I read that she is frustrated because people assume that she's an easy lay.

In this very interview she said, hey, steady on with the language.

Light crisps, lays crisps.

Exactly.

She's very, you can make friends with her if you give her some lays crisps.

I was thinking of like the Hawaiian wreath thing.

A lay, yeah.

So here we go, Piers Morgan also asked her, are you interested in world affairs?

Paris Hilton, yes, I'm interested in poverty.

Morgan, which aspects of poverty intrigue you in Paris?

Hilton, I want to go to Africa and raise awareness.

What, about her?

No, about Africa.

Yeah, they're pretty much aware of the situation in Africa, I think.

Hilton, I do a lot for charity.

Morgan, how much have you personally donated?

I don't know, ask my manager.

Ask my money manager.

I don't know where this is going, actually.

But basically, this comes around to her wanting to be a princess.

She decides she wants to be a princess, and she reckons she's gonna marry Prince William and become Princess Hilton.

That's nice.

Now that's feasible, isn't it?

That's perfectly feasible.

That's the kind of thing, in fact, that should happen.

Because it would make older people disgusted by what's happened to the world, and that's what should go on, right?

Yeah, exactly.

And it'll make her a proper beautiful princess.

That's true, that's true.

And it'll make William very happy.

But no, I read that, you know, she's only had relations with two people, she reckons.

She says she's only slept with two people, yeah.

And she was unlucky enough to be filmed by one of them and have the film released all over the world.

So people assume that she's filthy.

but that's not the case.

Anyway, listen, we've got the news coming up, and then it is time for the X-List, so get your X-List requests in adamandjoe at xfm.co.uk, or you can text 83XFM with any request from the XFM Vaults, and we'll pick the best and play them for you.

Also, there's that call to McVitie's coming up, that's exciting.

Oh, brilliant.

Come on, stick with it.

That's Beck, of course, with LOSER.

Sorry about that, I'm just readjusting my microphone.

Just adjusting your mic there?

Why, because the news guy messed it up?

Yeah, the news guy made a right mess up of it.

We had a long chat with the news guy about whether you should pronounce the name Pete Daugherty or Pete Doherty.

I'm disappointed by news people.

Why?

Ever since we've been in this Saturday morning slot.

And they let you down?

Well, I expected them to be authoritative and to look as if, were, you know, they to be in a situation that was newsworthy, they would be able to get in there and, you know, they're like policemen in a way.

Well, do you expect all people that read the news to be sort of investigative, and to be jumping around the rubble, foiling plots?

Yeah, like John Simpson.

Exactly like John Simpson, or Kate Adie, or Robert Redford.

Or Robert Redford, yeah, they've all got to get in there, get proactive, but this guy...

Uh, his voice actually changes when he reads the news, doesn't it?

Mm-hmm.

It becomes authoritative.

The rest of the time, he looks like just a friendly uncle.

Yeah.

Who might know stuff about backgammon.

What?

But not much about the news.

And you, that's not good enough for you?

Too casual?

Too casual.

Too casual?

Yeah.

Well, it is XFM.

I think the military should read the news.

Right.

We should have somebody in military, somebody decorated.

Sergeant Major?

Yeah.

Well, what about, you know, because at XFM you'd expect maybe... Because it's all lies anyway, isn't it?

Do you reckon?

It's all propaganda.

It's all government propaganda.

That's not the truth.

Aliens are here.

All sorts of stuff's going on that we're never told about.

Royal family lizard people.

Royal family of lizards.

That would be the real news.

Here is the news.

The royal family are definitely lizard people.

That wouldn't even be news.

That would just be old.

They've shed some skin and they're crawling up the inside of big men laying eggs.

We're fathers for justice.

Um, now, tonight, there's a possibility that we might go and see The Shining.

Yes, uh, listeners, if you're, uh, at a loose end, any night between now and next Saturday, you should check out Somerset House's, uh, summer screen season.

So, last night, they showed, uh, School of Rock and Nacho Libre.

Hey, what's Nacho Libre like?

Nacho Libre's really good.

Don't, don't listen to idiot critics who've given it one star.

Cos I'd heard a couple of, uh, bad words about it.

People sort of say, ah, it's a disappointment.

No, it's good.

It's good?

It's really good.

It's a bit like Napoleon Dynamite, you just have to tune into it.

Yeah.

And then it's really good.

Very funny.

Black is back.

Yeah.

At his black best.

Yeah.

So, I think tonight they're showing The Shining, but I think it's sold out.

Sunday they're showing The Outsiders.

Brilliant.

A fantastic film.

That's appropriate as well, because, uh, you'd actually be, uh, watching it outside.

I'm just gonna stab myself with a bar.

Okay.

Um, so what's the deal?

You, uh, you go out there, there's no seats, right?

What were on the other night?

Xanthi, quickly, get on the internet, find out what films are on the, uh, other, you got ten seconds, go!

Tell me what the deal is.

Otherwise you're fired.

So, do, do, uh, do they put seats out there, or what?

No, you take a little rug, and there's delicious food, lovely lamb wraps in falaf- you know, uh, is it falafel?

I don't know.

Yeah.

But lamb wraps with a bit of your cucumber.

Lamb, bam, I love my lamb.

That's a lamb wrap.

Correct.

Yeah.

and lovely drinks, and it's like a sort of hippie festival.

And they've even got, in case it does a little tingle of rain, they've even got little plastic macks, what you can put on.

Well, that's the festival experience in a nutshell, though, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

You've got to expect a little bit of weather problems.

The shining will be brilliant tonight.

If it's slightly chilly, it'll be extra frightening.

Yeah, especially the bit at the end in the maze.

Oh, it's going to be good.

Ooh.

I don't want to hurt you, I just want to bash your brains in!

What are the other films, Anthony?

Big Lebowski next Saturday, that'll be good.

Starship Troopers and Aliens.

Yeah, what a double bill.

Starship Pooper Scoopers and Aliens, what night's that?

That's Friday.

Friday night, get down there.

That would be amazing.

But what about, what about like, like, like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday?

We've got Brazil on Thursday.

Brazil Thursday.

Howl's Moving Castle.

Howl's Moving Castle, now I think that one's one that there's still ticks available for, Howl's Moving Castle, beautiful studio Ghibli movie.

Yeah, that's the most recent one, isn't it?

Yeah.

Night of the Hunter.

On what night's that?

Tuesday.

That'll be fantastic.

Charles Lawton.

I've never seen it.

Oh, it's brilliant.

Robert Mitchum.

It's fantastic.

It's the movie where he's got love and hate tattooed on his knuckles.

Incredibly famous and influential.

It's a classic.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

Amazing about two little kids on the run from a gangster.

And that's on Tuesday night?

That's Tuesday night.

So there are still tickets available for some of those.

So if you're at a loose end and you fancy a fantastic film outside, then get in touch with Somerset House.

I don't know how.

Just do it.

You just type in Somerset House on the internet and it'll take you there.

Or into a typewriter.

Typewriter.

Yeah.

Would it work as well if you wrote it on your face?

Yes.

Oh gosh, that is brilliant.

So we have some X-List request music.

We are in the X-List hour of the show.

Get your requests in on 83XFM and we'll do our best to play them.

Yeah.

And coming up...

After this track, I'm going to play you my conversation with McVitie.

Oh jeepers.

Jeepers, creepers.

Right now, here is Frank Black.

No, it's not Frank Black.

I'm going to play some Frank Black later on.

This is the Buzzcocks and it's going out to Doug.

I don't trust anything you say anymore.

Really?

Is it the Buzzcocks?

Yes.

What a load of rubbish.

That's brilliant.

What a load of disgusting nonsense.

That's the Buzzcocks from their Spiral Scratch EP, uh, Breakdown.

This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.

It's the X-List.

We've got more amazing music coming out from the X, uh, XFM vaults very shortly, but now... What?

It's time to play you my conversations with McVities.

Muckfitties.

As we said earlier on, we're sort of obsessed with Jaffa Cakes, and the fact that it says on the box of a packet of Jaffa Cakes that they are recommended by sports nutritionists.

Something which we find extraordinary.

A little bit disingenuous, is that the correct word?

Yeah, possibly.

Yeah.

But you know, I mean, it doesn't, all they need to do is pay two sports nutritionists to endorse them, and then they can say anything they want.

Do you think?

Yeah, so it's a legitimate claim.

I think the Advertising Standards Authority would take a tougher line than that.

They've probably got some logic behind it, haven't they?

I would think that if the majority of sports nutritionists were, you know, if all sports nutritionists in the UK were polled, I don't reckon that they would all... No, you don't see Linford Christie stuffing his face with Jaffas.

before a big race.

Do you?

And it's nothing against Jaffas because they are lovely.

They're tasty.

But you know, everything in moderation.

You know what I mean?

But this is the logic that anything with sugar in it makes you go faster, right?

Yeah.

Because that's how Lucozade can justify being a sports drink.

Okay.

Because it's got glucose in it.

Yes.

And that gives you energy.

That's right.

But it only gives you energy later.

Doesn't it?

It's not instantaneous.

Is it?

I don't know, it's contradictory information.

Well, it's a little burst of energy and then you, with a lot of sugary stuff, you get a real bit of lethargy afterwards.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, the other thing it says on the box is that if you've got a problem with Jaffas, if you're addicted to them, call the Jaffaholics anonymous line, right?

Yeah, because they're kind of, it seems like they're kind of...

Tickling you with one hand, spanking you with the other.

Well, they're sort of jokingly saying, go on, get addicted, eat as many as you want.

And I thought, that can't be their attitude, can it?

So I gave them a call.

I was interested to find out what happened if you did call the Jaffaholics line.

And yeah, it says, quite sort of seriously, if you do have a problem, call in the strictest confidence.

This number.

So this is what happened, first of all, when I called the number.

Hi, you're through to McBitty's Care Line.

If you are calling regarding McVitie's Jaffaholics Anonymous, please press 1.

Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave your message after the tone.

Yeah, I've got like a really bad problem with like cakes and eating.

Thank you for calling.

What?

What about my problem?

So that was it.

That doesn't give you much time, does it?

It's just a little answering machine, and it's only about five seconds worth of actual message.

That's very flippant.

So I wasn't gonna stand for that.

You know, so I called, I called back.

Most people probably just swear.

Right?

Yeah.

Most people call off and just say eight swear words.

And then put the phone down.

And so, yeah.

Yeah.

The F1, the C1, the S1.

You know because- And then loop them.

Five seconds, that's not enough for anything, not even a good bit of swearing.

Yeah, and you could have a real problem.

I mean, some people are addicted to chocolate.

Well, exactly.

So what are McVitie's playing at?

This is what I wanted to find out, how they would deal with it if I really did have a problem.

So there were two options there.

One was for the Jeffaholics line and the other one was just for the McVitie's care line.

So that's the one I tried next.

Hi, you're through to McVitie's Careline.

If you are calling regarding McVitie's Jaffaholics Anonymous, please press 1.

If you would like to speak to a customer services agent about any McVitie's products, please press 2.

Good afternoon, McVitie's.

Yeah, um, I called the, like, the problem line.

Yeah.

Like, if you've got a problem.

I can't get anyone there, there's like, just a machine.

Yes it is, it's just so you can leave a recorded message.

Can I not talk to anyone about it?

No, not really, because we're not qualified to help you in any way.

Why do they put the number on the packet?

It's just so you can call that line and leave your comments.

Well, it says if you've got a problem.

Right, so do you have a problem then?

Yeah, with like the Jaffas.

I eat a lot of them, you know.

Too many.

So how many are you eating?

It's like about 10 packets a day.

Yeah, some people say they're eating 15 or 20 a day.

So I shouldn't worry too much.

So she's not impressed by that.

15 or 20?

15 or 20 packets.

How many Jaffas in a packet of Jaffas?

At least about.

10.

10 or 12.

That's 150 Jaffas a day.

And I'm pretty sure that isn't good for you.

No, that's sport nutrition.

You've become a top class athlete on that many Jaffas.

You could just roll down the track.

Yeah.

So anyway, she's not taking me seriously on the whole I'm addicted to Jaffas thing, so I persevere a little bit.

Did you want to leave your name at all?

And we'll put you down as being a Jaffaholic.

But I'm in trouble, you know, because I can't put on a lot of weight.

I'm not eating nothing else, really, you know.

You'll have to try and cut down.

I can't, though, you know.

I'm just thinking about them all the time, you know.

I'd like to help you in here, you see, we're not counsellors at all.

All we can do is, you know, just make a note of your comments for you.

Because it says, like, if you've got a problem, you should call, you know?

Yes, well, it was just a phone line, it was just intended as that.

If it is that severe, then you really need, you know, counselling help, and we can't help you with that.

But I thought they were, like, recommended by sports nutritionists here.

Can I talk to one?

I've got a nutritionalist here, so it's probably a call to the doctor that you need.

Right.

Yeah, okay.

Thank you for calling anyway.

She's so, she's really sunny.

She's not genuinely concerned about my problem at all.

She's just trying to fob me off to another agency.

It's outrageous.

I think it's brilliant.

I think Jaffa Cakes are brilliant and I think the line's a really good idea.

It's just a bit of fun and you've got the wrong end of the stick.

I do certainly appear to have the wrong end of the stick.

That's completely true.

And man, it's not going to stop me eating Jaffas because I love those Jaffa Cakes.

The Jaffa Cakes are delicious and, you know, it's just, like she said, it's just a fun line.

It's just a fun line.

It's fun.

It's so that she can make a note of your problems.

So do you think I took the whole thing too seriously?

I don't know, Adam.

I don't know.

Yes.

I think you may have.

I don't know.

I think you may have.

I can't believe it.

I feel so foolish.

It's not that good just to make a note of the problem though, is it?

What kind of help is that?

No, this is just so that we can make a note of your problem.

Put you down as a Jaffaholic.

There's a list.

Some kind of evil list.

Did you hear halfway through, she put me on speakerphone as well.

Did she?

Yeah.

So the rest of the office could hear.

That's right.

Mr. Nutter.

Mr. Nutbar.

People are texting in saying apparently Rio Ferdinand was caught on camera munching Jaffa cakes during some sort of football match.

There you go.

Maybe they are recommended by Sports Nutritionists.

Well, they would have paid him.

Don't you think they would have slipped some Jaffas and made some kind of backstage deal?

I'm merely speculating.

Man, you don't have to bribe me to munch on Jaffas.

They're delicious.

Let's play some music now.

They're dangerlicious.

They're deadlicious.

This is going out to Shelly.

Shelly's at work.

She's babysitting some horses and an incontinent dog.

That's what it says here on the piece of paper I was handed.

That sounds revolting.

She's babysitting... Imagine.

You know, because as soon as you say babysitting horses...

She's being kicked.

The horses are kicking her.

She's landing in the feces of the incontinent dog.

They might just be watching telly.

Yeah, alternatively.

Anyway, this is going out to you, Shelley.

Take care of those horses and the dogs.

This is Daft Punk.

That's Daft Punk with Digital Love, a breezy, summery kind of sound, and it's opened up a little ching in the clouds, I can see a tiny little bit of blue sky.

We've got X-List for the rest of the hour here on XFM, that's another half an hour, so keep your requests coming in, and we're going to play another round of Rock'n'Reel or Rock'n'Rubs very shortly, so stay tuned for that.

That's going to be amazing.

XFM, yes, that's exactly what you're listening to.

This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.

If you want to play Rock'n'Reel or Rock'n'Rubs, our fantastic new competition, give us a call right now.

0871 222 1049.

Not only will you have the chance to win an amazing prize, you'll also get the chance to request any song you want from the X-List Vaults.

So call now, 0871 222 1049, and hopefully we'll play Rock'n'Reel or Rock'n'Rubs after this one from Pulp.

That was Pulp with Babies.

And we have Alison.

No, it's not Alison.

Who is it?

Heather.

Sorry, Heather.

How you doing?

I'm fine, thanks.

What are you up to this weekend?

I'm going to Leeds tomorrow, actually.

You're going to Leeds?

Wow!

I've always wanted to go to Leeds.

Why are you going there?

It's my uncle's wedding.

Ah.

And I'm bridesmaid.

It's quite exciting.

That's excellent.

What are you going to wear?

A dress.

It's a gentle idea.

I was thinking maybe no dress.

What about that?

That would be... Well, perhaps not.

Because then he'd remember it forever.

Yes, for all the wrong reasons.

That's true.

Do you still find weddings exciting?

Um, not really, no.

No.

Do you think, isn't that the secret shame of Britain, that weddings are really boring?

Oh, come on.

They are boring, although we do have a bouncy castle.

Not if it's a relative, actually.

If it's someone close that you care about, then they're brilliant.

It's, um, it's always fun, you know, meet new people.

Are you, uh, in a relationship, Heather, or do you think you might get drunk and snog someone tomorrow?

Um, I'm thinking the drunk option.

really nice bridesmaids maybe you're completely uh in the running you really are because you know i'm gonna head down me and adam are gonna head down like vince fawn and owen wilson we're going to crash the wedding yeah and we're gonna snog you that's i'll snog you at about 7 35 adam will get in there when you're a bit more drunk you have to be i might go a bit further at about nine

Um, Heather, are you ready to play Rock and Real or Rock and Rubs?

Yes.

Now, you know what to do, right?

Um, not really.

OK.

I'm just going to read out ten band names, as if I was reading the shipping forecast, and after each band name I say, you have to say either Real or Rubs, depending on whether you think it's a real band name from the NME gig section or one that I've just made up.

Is that clear?

OK, yes, that's clear.

OK, cool.

Let's play.

And if you get over seven correct,

you win a big prize as well as being able to whatever happens you'll be able to request a song okay so this is gonna be amazing rock and reel or rock and rubs Heather number one P for pancetta real number two ground in dirt rock number three the weather underground

Number four, Reese's Pieces.

Uh, real.

Number five, Squibs.

Real.

Number six, The Rock of Travolta.

Real.

Number seven, Hips Like Cinderella.

Real.

Number eight, The Clamps.

Real.

Number nine, Exhumed to the Slaughter.

Number 10, Thickle Public.

And Heather, that's it.

I can tell you that you scored quite badly.

Oh, dear.

You only got four correct.

Oh, no.

P for Panchetta, you thought that was a real band.

They should be, but it's not.

Oh.

Ground in Dirt, you correctly identified that as rubbish.

The Weather Underground, you thought that was made up.

They're real.

Reese's Pieces, they're real.

Squibs, you thought they were real, that's rubs.

But it's only a matter of time, surely, before you get a band called Squibs.

Exactly.

The Rock of Travolta, they're real.

Hips Like Cinderella, that's a line from a Pixies song, that's a common tactic.

I think there's about five bands with named after lines from Pixies songs.

Yeah, six.

That's real.

The Clamps, you thought that was real, that's rubbish.

Exhumed to the Slaughter, you thought that was rubbish, that's real.

Fickle Public, also real.

So congratulations, Heather.

Hey Heather, what do you do for a living?

I'm a student.

You're a student.

You're not a student of band names, though, are you?

No, I'm not.

Because, uh, you could spin that either way, really.

Either you're hopelessly out of touch, or you're just brilliantly prescient.

Yeah, exactly.

You're hopeful, and you've got a vivid imagination.

Yeah, exactly.

I think we should give you a prize anyway.

Are you a fan of very, very dark comedy?

Yes, I am.

Do you like Nighty Night?

Yes.

Do you want series two on DVD?

That would be brilliant.

Ah, there we go.

I mean, you could have something else if you wanted.

Well, I'll tell you what you can have is a request as well.

What would you like to request?

Oh, I'd love to hear Richard III by Steve Grof.

We have it for you.

Heather, have a fantastic time tomorrow.

Can't wait to give you a big snog.

Thanks for calling, Heather.

Yeah, so 7.35, I'll see you round the back of the stripy tent.

OK.

I'll be by the bar at around nine.

I'll be the one in the dress.

OK, fantastic.

Here's Richard III.

There you go.

That's one of the all-time best songs by one of the all-time best bands in the world, in my humble opinion, Supergrass, with Richard III going out to Heather.

You know, Supergrass are one of these bands who release promos for their new albums on CD formats that won't play in your computer.

And so that just renders them unlistenable, as far as I'm concerned, because I haven't got a CD player hooked up to my stereo at the moment.

I just play everything through my computer.

So I just didn't listen to their last album.

You know what I mean?

Because you can't burn it off?

No, well, because I can't import it into iTunes and listen to it when I want.

So what's, what's that, what's that?

That's rubbish.

They're stymying themselves.

It's useless.

I just think, surely, they can't be... they can't be increasing their sales that way.

There's so many bands that do that and you just think, ooh, I'm excited to listen to this.

I thought that went out of fashion, doing that.

Because there was a phase when everyone did that, didn't they?

Non-copyable CDs.

Yeah.

But then they stopped.

Uh-huh.

Because the fans were getting angry.

Well, sometimes what happens is you can import the first four tracks or something and then it becomes impossible to read.

I just think that's self-defeating, you know?

Because I don't know how the last Supergrass album sold, but I don't think it was a complete smash.

And it probably should have been, because they're always amazing.

Come on, Supergrass, make your records copyable.

Get with the kids.

Get with the kids, you know?

Pirating music is, uh, what's the opposite of destroying the industry?

I'm not talking about pirating.

No, no, no, listen, man.

I'm not talking about pirating.

I wasn't gonna- It's revivifying the industry.

I wasn't gonna distribute it.

I just wanted to listen to it.

It's nothing to do with pirating it.

Music piracy is creating music.

Why don't you stop going on about piracy, Ari?

I just wanted to hear the thing.

You know what I mean?

Well, importing it to iTunes, it's a hazy, hazy line, isn't it?

Import- well, no, it's not.

It's just a- iTunes is just a way of listening to music.

You know what I mean?

It's just a music player.

Yeah, but I agree with you.

I think being able to copy music is actually important because you can put it onto CDs, make it into compilations and play it to your friends and that's how most people hear new music, you know?

I read somewhere that cassettes are coming back.

Really?

Yeah, that they're supposed to be the new groovy format to make compilations on.

Really?

Yeah.

There's something nice about being locked into someone else's compilation choice.

Not being able to skip.

Yeah, I mean obviously you can fast forward and rewind and stuff but it's nice just to not be, yeah, you can't just jump about.

How will we see that happening?

Big, chunky Walkmans coming back into fashion.

Possibly.

On the belt.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah?

Possibly.

Because you can barely buy a decent tape player anymore.

They phased so many formats out, like they're phasing... I tried to buy a DAT recorder the other day to listen to some of our previous shows for our podcasts.

Can't buy DAT players anymore.

You know?

What's the world coming to?

What is the world coming to when they just phase out the format so quickly?

It's a, it's rip-off Britain.

Rip-off Britain.

That's what it is.

You know, they just want you to invest in the next rip-off format.

I can't deal with it.

It's blowing my mind.

Play some angry music.

Right, here's the Eagles of Death Metal.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

Fantastic, that's the Eagles of Death Metal from their first album, which is called Peace, Love and Death Metal, or just Peace, Love, Death Metal, and that's called I Only Want You.

This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.

Do they do different flavoured Jaffa Cakes?

Yeah, they do, they do.

Do you get strawberry ones?

Uh, not that I know of, it's lime and... Lime?

I thought it was lime and raspberry.

Why not strawberry ones?

I know it's... Why not coffee flavoured ones?

What, what, what, you just have like a...

Coffee jelly.

Oh, tasty coffee jelly.

Coffee jelly.

What about... Hmm?

Yeah.

What?

What about another flavour that I can't think of?

Um, what about bubblegum?

What about, uh, like, what's that jelly you get in Spanish tapas bars?

You know?

Like that sort of savoury, savoury, orange... Aspic.

Yeah.

What about Aspic?

Aspic Jaffa Cakes.

You could put anything in there.

Couldn't you?

Yeah.

What about, you could have Bonjela Jaffa Cakes?

Mmm.

Sort out your, um, you know, ulcers whilst giving you a tasty, sporty snack.

Bonjela Cakes.

Yeah.

That's a good idea, though.

That's a very good idea.

You know, I had a very good idea this week.

I'm the man who thought up the Thrix.

The three-sticked Twix.

I forgot.

As the man who thought up the Thrix, and may I stress, listeners, that is copyrighted and patent pending, I've also thought of a very good idea for water delivery.

This is something we might go into another week, but Adam bought a very stylish bottle of water this week that came in a kind of plastic colostomy bag.

It's called a platypus, and it's a little fold-up thing.

It folds up to the size of something you could just easily put in your pocket, but... Once you've drunk all the water, you can then... Yeah.

expel it into the same packet.

But once it's full of water, it, uh, the force of the water opens the thing out, you can get about a litre of water in there, and it just stands up of its own accord.

Extraordinary.

It's only about a quid, this thing.

You can get them from camping shops.

Platypus.

Yeah.

But, uh, so that's a new, innovative way to deliver water.

Why do Evian, or a, like, bottled water company, not make Evian water pistols?

So it's a litre of water, half a litre of water, with a cheap water pistol mechanism on it.

The kids would go mad for it.

Strap it on your belt, squirt it into your mouth, squirt it at other people in the street.

Right, my name's Joe Cornish, that is patented.

Right?

And copyright.

If anyone does that, I get all the profits.

Surely somebody listening to this show knows somebody's uncle who once worked... Who works at water bottling design companies.

Get in touch, will you, you lunatics.

And I tell you the other thing, I've thought about this in detail, because obviously in this current climate, you don't want people going around with fake guns.

Nobody wants that.

So you make it like a space gun.

Yeah.

Like Bobberley.

You know?

Absolutely.

Like a...

What's the bit, the sticky out bit on a gun?

The barrel.

Made of, like, blobs.

Four circular, like, things.

So it looks like a space ray gun.

The main barrel of the thing could retain the essential design elements of the bottle.

Yes.

The ridged barrel.

And it could compress as well, because you know those bottles are designed to compress.

Yes, to fold up in the bin.

Yeah, to squash.

Yeah, so you can recycle them.

In fact, why don't all soft drinks get delivered like that?

Then when you walk into a newsagent, it's like a kind of cool armory.

And you could get, oh, I'll have a Gatling gun of coke.

You know, I'll have a bazooka.

I'll have a Tizer bazooka.

And you could fire big blobs of Tizer at high speed into your mate's mouth.

It would be brilliant.

And you could do the same for booze as well.

That would revolutionise the game of Beer Hunter.

Yes.

Why aren't we in charge of everything?

I don't know.

We are wasted in this stupid radio station.

We're completely wasted.

Now before we go... Stupidly wicked.

before we go we've got another lovely classic song to end our show here on XFM but before that we should mention as well don't forget to download our podcast the podcast was late this week it should have come out yesterday but it didn't because we were recording some new stuff for it and I failed to get it edited in time but I hope it's going to come out on Monday and then there'll be another new one

Hey, I've discovered something about the iTunes chart.

Apparently, it's solely on new subscriptions.

Oh, is it?

It's not on downloads at all.

The podcast chart relies purely on new subscriptions.

Right.

So if you hear the Adam and Jo podcast and like it, please tell a friend and get them to subscribe.

They don't even have to listen to it.

No.

All they have to do is click subscribe.

I told you the other day I had a big argument with my brother because he wouldn't subscribe.

He said, oh, I can listen to it on the website.

He's a traitor.

He's a total traitor.

It's not going to hurt you if you just click subscribe.

It doesn't charge you anything.

All it does is flop into your inbox every week.

That's all.

You don't have to do anything.

It's worth his while because if you make more money...

And then you might leave some to him in your will.

If you pop your clogs, he'll be in the money.

Exactly.

Ka-ching.

What more motivation?

If we get famous, I could buy him a big scooter.

Yeah.

And that's the thing that he's not taking into account, because we don't get paid for the podcasts.

It's not a big money-changing operation.

We're just trying to spread the word.

It's charity.

Anyway.

Chuckle's charity.

Yeah, there you go.

So you can find the podcast at www.xfm.co.uk or on the iTunes podcast thing.

So get downloading.

Also, a couple of TV recommendations this week.

I am currently contributing little bits to Amanda Iannucci's new series Time Trumpet.

Number three goes out this week on

Thursday at 10 o'clock on BBC two check that out lots of funny stuff in there and Right after that is Charlie Brooker's excellent series screen wipe on BBC four To which I contributed to very briefly last week, but that's that's it for my contribution So it's so it's safe to watch it's safe to watch now.

It's also got the best theme tune of any TV show at the moment I think check this out.

See what you think

Nice.

Yeah, that's good.

Charlie Brooker's Screen White, BBC4, Thursday nights at 10.30 and of course Amanda Wienucci's Time Trumpet on BBC2 at 10pm on Thursday nights.

Now, this is the last song of our show and the last song of the X-List this week.

This is dedicated to, is this Johnny or Tommy?

Johnny.

In Essex.

Johnny.

Johnny, this one's for you.

Lou Reed with Walk on the Wild Side.

Thanks for listening, we love you, bye!

Yeah, see you next week, bye.

Adam and Joe - XFM - 2006.08.12 (edit)